What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 28.06.2025 03:50
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But ive been too sick for many years..
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On the 31st of Jan this month .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
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Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
This is soul school!.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Why can’t the British eat or drink anything unless they place a table cloth on the table first?
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
We were not on the streets..
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One cannot live in the past .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
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Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Especially a lifetime of it.
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Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She married twice! .
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As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Consectetur assumenda in molestiae debitis accusamus quaerat consectetur.
She was in good health!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Non est eum facere impedit aut dignissimos tempora.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
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I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
So whats the point in blame.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I was seconnd youngest,
I could never make a relationship work though!
All the time i was locked up.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Comes on , in middle age.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I have no regrets .
As i do to all so called friends.?
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Im still living with it.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Who then, do I blame.?
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Would this be the day?
She loved him until the end.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But, we were locked up after school.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Put me off passion for life!!
I was 9 years of age.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I was scared of men, in general
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
(And it was in our own minds.)
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I was very sick at this time too.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
We all went to grammer schools
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
So, i spoilt her more .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I write beautiful poetry .
I don,t even have a pension.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He resisted the act ,that day.
What did i know ?
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
And i lived it daily.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
My family never makes their pension either.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Was to survive, this bastard.
My life is so biszare .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He knew the spot.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I never cut or harmed myself..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She found it foreign!.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I waited trembling.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I think the readers, may guess!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
It was going to be , some day.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I know ,a lot about trauma.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But it wasn’t much.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Ive learnt so much.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
When she asked me how she looked .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I will be 64.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I said to her
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She wouldn,t have been !
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.